Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
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i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
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