[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
You Might Also Like
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.