Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
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*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My five year plan is a meteorite
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.