A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
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I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
My flabber has been gasted.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.