Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
You Might Also Like
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
shampoo implies shampee
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
How your email finds me
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice