Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
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once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I’ve had worse
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello