[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
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Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Never forget.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Good boy 😂😂
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own