for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
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*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind