* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
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I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
AM I BEING GASLIT????
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.