Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
You Might Also Like
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE