me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
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Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Has there ever been a more American story?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.