I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
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fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
A drum solo but on your face.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me: