3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
You Might Also Like
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Something Saturday.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!