INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
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Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
More like Kate Missington.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave