Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
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Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I missed you with all my darts
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?