Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
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date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
The human personality is made of five key elements
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Look at this
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars