nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
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*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..