The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
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Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
crying
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep