Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
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Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Simple
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
😂🤣😂🤣
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded: