We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
You Might Also Like
Finally
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.