Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
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If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??