Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
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I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY