This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
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Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now