I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
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[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Knock Knock