Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
You Might Also Like
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
So the ex texted me
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.