What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
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Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.