Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
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Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Tell me you get it…🤣
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.