Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.