He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
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[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
So we got a goldfish…
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
The best shot in the history of golf
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.