Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
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Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…