yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
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Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
#DesignFail