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“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place