My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
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Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”