[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
You Might Also Like
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.