ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
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replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me