My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
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Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My last name is Zilla.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.