3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
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I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
mechanics be like
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I’m awake but I object,
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.