Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
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They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
i love modern commerce
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.