My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
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[at funeral] You really had to see him live
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
welcome back
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.