Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
You Might Also Like
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday