Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
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Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
groan^2
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.