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maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I feel it
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already