Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
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Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Baking is just science you can eat.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.