Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
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Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me