“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
You Might Also Like
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Name another movie that mislead you?
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.