The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
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If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind