If you love someone, let them tweet.
You Might Also Like
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Watermelon Boss!
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.