Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
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Ok who’s got my black socks?
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Finally
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.