Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
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I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.