Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
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Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
bought wrong eggs
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.